What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
