i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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