I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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