The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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