the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
