Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
