She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
