Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
