This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
