I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
