you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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