Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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