I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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