Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he had hair everywhere except his balls
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
