I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It's Friday. Sex?
I just gift wrapped bread.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
