Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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