The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
