uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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