The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
