WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
