It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
