I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
