You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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