I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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