Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
