Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
