shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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