Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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