i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
