I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
