The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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