I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
