so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
