Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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