I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
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