Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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