when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
