he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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