I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
