remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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