i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
