remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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