I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
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