So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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