Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
