every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
