In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
soo... how was my night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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