dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
