I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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