She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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