This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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