he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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