doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize