So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
