I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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