wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't turn off my feet"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
