this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
