Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
